Healthy Boundaries vs Control: which one is it?

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining balanced and fulfilling relationships, whether in personal or professional settings. However, boundaries can sometimes be misused as a tool for control, leaving others feeling manipulated or isolated. The key question to ask is: is it healthy boundaries, or is it control? In this blog, we’ll explore the differences, how boundaries can be weaponised, and how to spot the warning signs of controlling behaviour.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Healthy boundaries define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others. They help individuals maintain their emotional well-being, protect their mental health, and foster mutual respect. Some examples of healthy boundaries include:

Saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty

Communicating openly about personal limits

Respecting others’ time and space

Setting emotional, physical, and digital boundaries in relationships. Healthy boundaries are based on mutual respect, autonomy, and consent. They allow individuals to express their needs while respecting the needs of others.

What Is Control Disguised as Boundaries?

While healthy boundaries create space for individual autonomy, control seeks to limit it. Sometimes, people use the language of boundaries to justify controlling behaviour. For example:

Dictating who someone can speak to or spend time with under the guise of protecting their own comfort.

Withdrawing affection, attention, or communication as a way of punishing behaviour they dislike.

Setting rigid and unilateral rules that benefit only one person.

Demanding excessive transparency, such as requiring access to someone’s phone or social media accounts.

When a boundary is about restricting another person’s choices rather than protecting one's well-being, it moves into control..

How People Weaponise Boundaries to Control Others

Manipulative individuals may use ‘boundaries’ as a means of enforcing control over others. Here’s how this can play out:

1. Disguising Ultimatums as Boundaries

A healthy boundary might sound like: “I need some alone time when I feel overwhelmed.”A controlling statement might be: “If you don’t give me space exactly when I demand it, I’ll cut you off.”

Boundaries are not ultimatums. If someone is using boundaries to threaten or coerce, they are controlling, not protecting their well-being.

2. Using Boundaries to Avoid Accountability

A person might say: “I have a boundary around discussing difficult emotions.” If this is a genuine need for emotional regulation, that’s understandable. However, if they use it to shut down any conversation about their harmful behaviour, they are using boundaries to avoid responsibility.

3. Enforcing One-Sided Rules

Healthy boundaries are mutual. If one person sets strict expectations but refuses to respect the other’s needs, it’s not about well-being—it’s about control. For example, one partner might insist on full transparency but refuse to share any details about their own life.

4. Manipulating Others into Isolation

A person might claim: “I have a boundary about not having certain people in my life.” That’s valid. However, if they use this to pressure a partner into cutting off friends and family, they are exerting control under the guise of self-care.

How to Spot the Difference: Healthy Boundaries vs Control

To determine whether a boundary is healthy or controlling, ask yourself these questions:

1. Is it About Personal Well-being or Controlling Someone Else?

Healthy boundaries are about self-care (e.g., “I need to take breaks when I feel stressed”).

Control is about dictating someone else’s behaviour (e.g., “You’re not allowed to spend time with that person”).

2. Is There Flexibility and Open Discussion?

Healthy boundaries allow for communication and compromise.

Control involves rigid rules that only benefit one person.

3. Is It Enforced with Punishment or Respect?

A healthy boundary is communicated with respect and doesn’t involve punishment.

Control is enforced through withdrawal, silent treatment, or emotional coercion.

4. Does It Promote Mutual Respect?

Healthy boundaries respect both people’s needs.

Control disregards one person’s autonomy in favour of the other’s preferences.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Controlling Others

If you want to ensure your boundaries are truly healthy and not about control, follow these steps:

1. Be Clear About Your Needs

Communicate what you need while acknowledging the other person’s feelings. Example: “I need some alone time after work to recharge, but I’d love to spend time together later.”

2. Avoid Using Boundaries as a Tool for Power

Ensure that your boundaries are about your well-being, not about forcing someone else to behave in a specific way.

3. Stay Open to Feedback

If someone tells you that your boundary feels like control, be open to discussion. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and flexibility.

4. Respect Others’ Boundaries Too

Just as you have the right to set boundaries, so does the other person. Mutual respect is key to healthy interactions.

Final Thoughts

Understanding the difference between healthy boundaries and control is essential for maintaining balanced relationships. If you ever find yourself asking, “Is it healthy boundaries, or is it control?”, consider whether the behaviour respects autonomy, promotes mutual well-being, and allows for open discussion.

By setting boundaries with clarity and respect, you can create relationships that foster trust, understanding, and genuine connection.

If you found this article helpful, explore our other wellbeing resources to deepen your understanding of emotional health and boundaries.