Why "Everything Happens for a Reason" is Toxic!

The phrase "everything happens for a reason" is commonly used as an attempt to comfort those going through difficult situations. It suggests that every life event, no matter how painful or challenging, has a hidden purpose. While this sentiment may bring solace to some, for others, telling them that everything happens for a reason can quite literally be the most unhelpful thing you could say during or after adversity. In this blog post, we’ll explore why "everything happens for a reason" can be toxic and how it often dismisses the very real struggles that people face. 

1.  It Lacks Empathy

When someone is dealing with loss, trauma, or hardship, hearing "everything happens for a reason" can come off as dismissive. "Everything happens for a reason" implies that their pain is just a small piece of a grander plan, rather than something valid and deserving of compassion. True empathy involves sitting with someone in their discomfort, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their experience. Telling someone that their suffering has a reason removes the space for authentic emotional support. 

2.  It Diminishes the Severity of the Situation

Not all situations need to be justified or rationalised, especially not with an insulting "everything happens for a reason" statement.. When a person is going through something incredibly difficult—such as a death, a serious illness, or a significant life setback—implying that everything happens for a reason can trivialise the gravity of their experience. This phrase glosses over the severity of what they’re facing and minimises the profound impact it has on their life. Some things are simply painful, and that pain should be honoured rather than explained away. 

3.  It Invalidates Feelings

Feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and grief are normal reactions to difficult experiences. When someone hears "everything happens for a reason," it can make them feel that their emotional responses are not valid or appropriate. This phrase suggests that they should be looking for a silver lining instead of allowing themselves to fully process and express their emotions. Invalidating feelings in this way can lead to unresolved emotional pain and even greater distress in the long run. 

4.  It Imposes a Pressure to Be Positive

The pressure to "find the reason" behind every hardship can create unrealistic expectations of positivity. People may feel that they must immediately seek out the lesson or hidden blessing in their suffering, rather than simply allowing themselves to grieve or be angry. This toxic positivity can be particularly damaging, as it suggests that negative emotions are not acceptable or valuable. The truth is, it's okay to feel hurt, lost, or angry without needing to attach a greater meaning to those feelings, because not everything happens for a reason.

If believing that everything happens for a reason brings you comfort for your own situations, keep that to yourself and do not assume it is helpful for anyone else.  

Instead of resorting to "everything happens for a reason," try to provide support that acknowledges and validates the person's feelings. 

Instead of "everything happens for a reason" - here are some alternatives:

• "I'm so sorry you're going through this." 
• "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." 
• "I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it." 
• "Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel however you need to right now."

These phrases offer comfort without diminishing the severity of the situation or imposing a need for a "silver lining." 

So remember, while "everything happens for a reason" may come from a place of good intentions, it may be the least helpful thing you can say to someone. It often falls short of providing the empathy, validation, and support that individuals need in their difficult times. Life is full of challenges, and not every experience can be justified or given a deeper purpose. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for others is simply to acknowledge their pain and let them know that they are not alone in their struggle. 

If you agree, you can wear this somewhat unpopular opinion around your shoulder to work, school or out doing your shopping. Click here to take a look at our Not Everything Happens For A Reason Tote Bag

Caoimhe.